Faith To Start, An Old Blog I felt Like Sharing

6/16/2017 Hey everyone, I am in the process of finishing a blog on social anxiety but I felt led to share an old blog I wrote back in March. I made the decion a month ago to merge the 2 blogs I managed because of a transition I was making professionally. I hope you enjoy it and your comments would be greatly appreciated.

Today is March 5th, 2017 and I want to welcome you to my weekly blog that will never take a predictable direction, at least I hope to always be authentic enough to prevent that from happening.

As you might have figured out already I want to bring Life Church to Los Angeles but as with any goal, purpose or calling, the path is unclear but my purpose is certain.

This blog is to also share my personal journey towards fulfilling this purpose and if God allows, will also be something we can learn and grow from. I am not a saint and being as heavily flawed as I am, I hope to show how God can use even people like me to serve His will.

I have been no stranger to sharing my scars with people and as I continue to strive to become more Christ-like, more Holy, I hope to be a better example of how Christ can transform broken, dark and lost souls into joy-filled, soldiers of Christ.

This week has been a week of the inescapable mirror. You know, the mirrors that are held up to your face that force you to take a deeper look at what needs to be fixed, repaired, healed and/or worked on in order for you to become more Christ-like. In my case, it was all the above.

Yet, my purpose remains. My divine direction has become as clear as the obstacles in my way. Yet I know, there are many more hurdles to surpass and many more blessings along the way. So that leads me to today’s sermon.

FAITH TO START

HOW DO YOU DO SOMETHING BIG?

1) START SMALL. (who me? yeah right…..)

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin… Zechariah 4:10 NLT

This verse would not have ever registered to me a year ago, heck maybe even a few months ago this verse would not have the same meaning it does to me today.

I have often called myself a “Home Run” hitter, even though I was awful at baseball, this applied to me professionally. I do not think small and the vision I have is grande, YUGE!

I am a connector, I connect the dots, people to do large deals. My brain does not think in small steps, it just sees the big picture. Kind of like wanting to bring Life Church to Los Angeles.

Do you think I have the slightest clue in how to build a church? I cannot do a P&L sheet much less do I know the slightest thing about starting a church or creating a movement that will inspire others to help make this happen.

But, God gave me the “burden”, placed on my heart that Life Church belongs in LA.

Guess what? This is not a burden you can just throw money at. This is not a purpose that I can snap my fingers, make a few phone calls and it just happen. I am almost a month into the day I put into action the process of bringing Life Church here and I still do not know what I am doing. But I just know I am supposed to keep talking, writing and praying about it as I would with any of the other business deals I am working on.

Little by little I have been gaining traction yet, I have no way to measure this or know for sure just how far I am getting. It doesn’t really matter for now because even though I want this now, the whole enchilada (Life Church fully built and ready to open its doors next Sunday), I know that I must wait and the more God reveals what I need to be working on in my personal life, I know that I am not ready for the finished product.

So this is my small beginning and I believe the Lord is rejoicing because I took the first step.

Then I said to them, “You see the trouble we are in: Jerusalem lies in ruins, and its gates have been burned with fire. Come, let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, and we will no longer be in disgrace.” 18 I also told them about the gracious hand of my God on me and what the king had said to me.They replied, “ Let us start rebuilding .” So they began this good work.Nehemiah 2:17–18

You don’t have to have the faith to finish.

You just have to have the faith to start.

2) TAKE THE NEXT STEP.

But when Sanballat the Horonite, Tobiah the Ammonite official and Geshem the Arab heard about it, they mocked and ridiculed us. “What is this you are doing?” they asked. “Are you rebelling against the king?” 20 I answered them by saying, “ The God of heaven will give us success. We his servants will start rebuilding …” Nehemiah 2:19–20

I have not been mocked (to my face) for the quest I have. I am sure at some point I will be and I believe that the giant mirror that has been placed in front of me this week was to help me work on something I have battled with my entire life.

I wrote on my personal blog this week about how I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder for nearly 18 years. The medication I was prescribed robbed me of what soul I had at the time and made me completely numb. Now, considering my abuse of drugs, alcohol, and sex in my past, one might assume that I wanted to feel numb.

No, I wanted to feel. I didn’t want to feel bad, I wanted to feel good. I just did not know how to do it sober.

I discovered this week that my true diagnosis is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, something I still cannot fully understand and of course ADHD (which I think gives me superpowers so I refuse to take medication for it, sorry). This has led me to deal with conflict like a 2-year-old since, well, I was 2 years old.

This mirror revealed to me how many relationships I have torched, destroyed and blocked out of my mind and heart over the course of my life. I have ignored this issue my entire life and it took this last week through a series of wildly entertaining and heartbreaking events to realize, I am the problem.

So, how in the world do I expect to be able to do extraordinary things for Christ, if I handle rejection or conflict like a grown-up? My life has been, you are with me or against me. I guess this attitude has been great at growing the chips on my shoulder and fueling my fire to succeed, but it has been awful for my testimony.

So my next step had nothing directly to do with the church, it had to do with me getting help. Getting help will allow me to take the next step towards Gods Divine Purpose for my life without sabotaging it before I get to all the fun stuff like I have 345 times in my life.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Thank you so much for reading. I ask that you pray for me so that I can heal the errors and conflicts of my past. I feel this is necessary for me to continue to grow in Christ. Have a wonderful and blessed week. If you would like to contact me you can do so at livemana@icloud.com

“Start doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, then suddenly you are doing the impossible.” — St. Francis of Assisi

Originally published at livemanaworldwide.com on June 16, 2017.